2nd Thursday [9]: Not Enough for Two

MonteeThis is Montee. He is a guest at our house right now, as Jennifer has decided to foster pooches from the Central Missouri Humane Society. It is a noble thing for her to do, and it makes her feel good, which I am happy about, but as for me, my heart has never really been in it.

Montee is a great dog. He is 7 years old, so he knows everything he is supposed to know, and he is generally pretty low-maintenance and low energy. He can keep himself entertained, and likes to just lie around. He is basically a big cat, except one that will reciprocate affection.

I’m trying not to get too attached to him, because the goal here was to get him adopted by someone else.

Jen and I have different priorities. She is much more emotional when it comes family matters. I am more emotional when it comes to other personal relationships and interactions. Nothing is more important to her than her family. I feel like, increasingly, the people of the world are my family. She donates to animals. I donate to humans. It’s not that I don’t think animals deserve it–I just think we need to fix ourselves, first.

I fought Jen (apparently not enough) on bringing another dog into our house. One of the reasons, as I stated already, is that my heart wasn’t in it. I didn’t feel that was fair to a dog who really needs love, to come into a home where there is a chance of rejection (from me). I just wasn’t ready. I haven’t been a two-dog owner since I was a teenager, and at that time my parents had to do all the hard stuff. Mike and I picked up poo from the yard; they took the dogs to the vet and paid the bills.

I am also still mourning Punkin, and I never even saw Raisin as an adequate plug for the hole in my heart. Jen feels exactly the opposite (while of course she still misses P-pie). Now she has also suffered a loss of a very close family member, so it is bringing her comfort and peace to have another four-legger with us. I can’t really argue with that.

I guess I am too selfish. I like walks but don’t like walking Raisin. Right now, in fact, I am angry with her, and I’ve told her I don’t trust her after she wriggled out of her harness on our last walk and went after an unsuspecting neighborhood pooch while it was being walked. I was sitting on top of her and she escaped. When I finally got her into the house after that, she KNEW I was upset with her (the look on my face, my lack of attention to her, and my refusal to give her the usual after-walk treat), and it lasted for hours. She definitely apologized to me, but the problem with dog apologies is that after a few minutes or seconds, they have no idea what it is they are sorry about. They’re just unhappy because you are unhappy.

But I also don’t want the expenses of a second dog, and don’t feel like now is a good time to take on that burden. Then there is the care and clean-up. I’m tired of my house being a mess, but why clean it when the dogs are going to destroy it anyway? Even when they are not playing or eating or bleeding, they are messy: Beds, blankets, toys, bowls, and other possessions are strewn everywhere!

I am being unfair to an animal because of something for which it is not at fault. I know pets are supposed to make us happy, but I wish I were in a happier place first, before welcoming another pet.

I feel like I do not have enough

love

time

space

patience

energy

desire

for two dogs. I just don’t.

Montee is terrific, and despite myself, I am opening up to him more and more. But I don’t want to get too close only to see him successfully adopted away. So I continue to resist. My heart is still not in it all the way. Because I am worried about myself.

Montee deserves a loving home. Montee deserves better than me.

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